Unlocking Love Languages for Deeper Connections With Connie Jo Martin

Unlock the secrets to more fulfilling relationships with our guest, Connie Jo Martin, who brings a wealth of personal insights into the magical world of love languages. Have you ever wondered how understanding your partner’s unique way of expressing love can transform your relationship? This episode promises to enrich your connections by exploring Gary Chapman's renowned five love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. But it doesn't stop there; we also delve into the crucial element of emotional safety, creating a nurturing space where authentic self-expression flourishes.

Join us as Connie Jo Martin shares her valuable experiences and wisdom on recognizing and adapting to the love languages of those around us, from intimate partners to family and friends. Discover how meeting your own love language needs can create a joyful cycle of giving and receiving love, making your daily interactions more meaningful. Learn to observe and respond to the love languages of others, enhancing your relationships and fostering a more positive environment. This episode invites you to embrace love languages and emotional safety, transforming your connections into magical ones.

Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages Quiz https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Love Languages in Relationships
• 16:43 Discovering Love Languages and Emotional Safety
• 30:57 Embrace Love Languages for Joy

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:33

Welcome back to the show. This week we are going to talk about love languages because, well, love is just beautiful and magical and so important and how we choose to love ourselves and love others. It's such a beautiful topic. So I have to say that I have noticed since this came up it literally came up in a conversation with my sister and then it came up in a conversation with another good friend of mine, just randomly. But seriously, we know things are not random, they happen because clearly my focus and attention has been on love languages and so that is what is coming into my experience. So, ever since Connie Joe and I recorded this and actually I mean before we even recorded it and then since I have to say that I am realizing I'm being more aware and paying more attention to how people in my life feel love, and it's not just how I feel loved, it's how can I love the people in my life, the way they feel love, because the way they feel loved isn't necessarily the same way that I feel and receive love. So I guess one of my hopes for this episode is that it helps to bring some awareness for you to your relationships and how you love and how your people love to be loved. So I think when we are loving people the way they feel loved and when we pay attention to that and pay attention to our own needs and Connie Jo says something totally beautiful on this and I can't wait for you to hear it but when we're loving ourselves and loving others the way everybody wants to feel loved and the way they mostly feel loved, it's magical because love is the base of everything. So I hope you enjoy today's episode.

Speaker 1: 2:49

If you have any comments that you want to share, please feel free to text the show. There's a little link in the show description that you can do that. I've also included the five love languages test from Dr Gary Chapman. There is like an upgrade thing in there. I'm not associated with Gary Chapman at all, but if it's something that you want to do, I figured I would include the link. But anyway, I hope you enjoy the show today. Much love, mwah. I am so excited to have my dear friend Connie Jo Martin on the Pure Possibilities podcast. Welcome, it's so lovely to have you here.

Speaker 2: 3:26

Thank you, it's wonderful to be here.

Speaker 1: 3:29

So it's really funny because so several weeks ago, the topic of love languages came up in a conversation that I was having with my sister, and so I went into our podcasting community, our private community on Facebook, which you are all welcome to join if you'd like, and I posted an inquiry to kind of tap into people and find out what their love languages are, because we all have various ways that we express love to one another, and I had been wanting to do an episode about it, obviously, and I hadn't done it yet. And then you and I were talking the other day and you were like, oh my gosh, love languages are my favorite topic, one of my favorites.

Speaker 1: 4:17

Yes.

Speaker 2: 4:18

And so. I think, they're a very important part of our life, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 4:25

And so it seemed like the most aligned thing to do is for us to have a conversation about it. So I appreciate you coming on to chat about it with me.

Speaker 2: 4:36

Well, thank you, I'm, like I said, I'm happy to be here, so yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:41

So for those who are unaware of what the love languages are, so back in 1992, Gary Chapman wrote the book the Five Love Languages the Secret to Love that Lasts, and I believe the intention originally was, you know, having to do with marriages and relationships like intimate relationships. However, I believe that we express love languages in all of our relationships, Do you agree?

Speaker 2: 5:08

with that? Oh, I totally agree with that, and I think the more that we learn to recognize, love languages and see them around us, the better all of our relationships can be.

Speaker 1: 5:23

Yeah, I totally agree. So in case people don't know what the five love languages are, the first one is words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. And then I added another one and that is emotional safety. So just to kind of go through them really quickly, words of affirmation would be verbal or written compliments, unexpected praise and recognition and actively listening. Quality time would be uninterrupted and focused conversations, one-on-one time, making time for loved ones, receiving gifts, thoughtfulness, enjoy surprise gifts and or tangible symbols of thoughtfulness and effort. Acts of service, letting them know you are wanting help, doing things for other people that brings them joy.

Speaker 1: 6:12

Physical touch would be nonverbal use of body language and touch to show love, general physical presence. And that emotional safety is feeling safe to be fully self-expressed, vulnerable and authentic. And I don't know about you, but I actually like to embody obviously all of these, but my primary I would say my primary is actually emotional safety, which is why I added it to the list, because I want to feel safe in my relationships, to be me and be my authentic self and fully express. And then quality time and physical touch are my other top. Yes, Thank you. I think that.

Speaker 2: 7:03

I believe that we all have all of the love languages, but we have primary ones and that one just touches in, especially in this day and age when everything's so much online and so much on a social aspect of you're not really there with each other, you're not really connecting. The same way, I think that one's probably huge for a lot of people, but I believe that we all have primary ones that stand out more for each other. Mine have. There's this little test in the back of gary's book that has what is it like? 20 questions, 25 questions that will point out to you what your primary love languages are, and I also believe that over years they change, that that changes a little bit, that they go up and down accordingly.

Speaker 2: 7:57

My initial ones were physical touch and words of affirmation. What I realized when my very first personal development coach ever brought this to my awareness was that those were things that I didn't feel that I received in my childhood, and so I was very hungry for those the rest of my life. And those are what help fill, because if you're asking for quality time and you're asking for emotional safety, what can be better than that? Right?

Speaker 1: 8:45

Right, oh, absolutely, group W1.

Speaker 2: 8:48

Yeah. So yes, I think that it's important that we know these things about ourselves, that we know what our gifts are.

Speaker 1: 8:57

I agree with that and I think that sometimes one of the biggest. I mean I can be very in tune with what my love language is, but I believe it's important that I know what other people's love languages are, because so often I feel like we try to love other people through our love language rather than theirs, and then the relationships struggle because I'm trying to love you in my love language rather than being open to learning what yours is, and so I'm, you know. Let's say, for example, receiving gifts is my love language, and I'm giving you things and giving you things, and I'm like why doesn't this person appreciate it? Why don't you know? Why aren't they? Why don't they love what I'm doing for them? But that's not your love language.

Speaker 2: 9:48

Your love language is spending time.

Speaker 1: 9:51

And so if it's quality time and I'm just doing, doing, doing, you're not feeling loved, because that's not your love language.

Speaker 2: 10:01

Exactly, exactly, and I think this works for intimate relationships and all of our relationships. And you do have to know someone to a degree to know what their love language is. But if you watch people, if you really pay attention and you watch people, even people you work with, if Susie comes through the door every day bearing gifts of cookies or flowers or little whatevers for the team, for the crew, guess what her love language most likely is? You know, yes, and so if there's any way that you can gift something back to her, even if it's a hug or a compliment, you know, and just give her a little token of anything here, try this today she's going to feel really, you know. She's going to feel like she's loved. Right, she's loved.

Speaker 2: 11:03

But people don't always realize that everyone else does not have their love language. It's so true, yeah so, but even with your kiddos, if you can learn every. I have five children. Every one of them are very, very different. They all have their own love languages, but if I can speak to their love languages, then life is just a lot happier.

Speaker 1: 11:33

Absolutely so. That's a really great question that I have to find out what your thoughts are. So when we're talking about if, for the most part, our love language is something that we have possibly been lacking, maybe in our childhood, that we're talking about like younger kids and we don't know what it is that has activated them or what they're needing because we don't know you know, maybe me as the parent. I don't realize, maybe what my behavior or action has, how that's impacted my child or things going on around them. Maybe that has nothing to do with me. How do we identify what their love language is? Necessarily?

Speaker 2: 12:21

I didn't know about love languages when my kids were little, and I don't think it's always something that we lack as a child. I'm not saying it always stems from that. I think we naturally have love languages built within us. It's just that sometimes, when we've missed them as a child, maybe they show up more potently for us. I think, again, it's watching your children, interacting with them, sharing with them. What do they? How do they, do they want to? Are they the kid that brings you the homework from school all the time Look, mom, I got an A or do they want words of affirmation? Are they the kid that's always hugging on you? Is it your Klingon child? I had a Klingon child, always hanging onto my knees, always wanting to be touched, to be loved, to be hugged. I had the little one that was always bringing me little flowers from the yard dandelions, little violets here, mommy, I love you, mommy.

Speaker 1: 13:26

That is beautiful yeah.

Speaker 2: 13:28

Just watch and pay attention and at those ages I think I see it a little bit more, at those younger ages, in my grandchildren. You know it took me and my children have probably actually changed a little bit in their growth of adulthood and everything. And you know I probably need to go back and study theirs again. But some of my grandchildren I definitely know and it is so beautiful and it's so innocent and it's so loving and kind and it's just a way, another way for us to nurture each other, to nurture and care for and love on each other. So so very much when people are feeling that love.

Speaker 1: 14:16

It's just so magical, you know.

Speaker 2: 14:19

It is, it is yeah. And when you can learn to recognize other people's, it's another kind of magical, because then you know how to make their day. You know, even if it's, even if it's you know the mom that's been running around all day and maybe hers are acts of service, and the husband comes home, takes the garbage out, you know, vacuums out her car, whatever, and she's just like, oh, that's so awesome, or whatever it is. You know it's. It's just like yeah, or whatever it is. You know it's, it's just like yeah, but but it is recognizing, I think, hugely the other person's and not just trying to do ours. And I think that's sometimes where we hang up is. Well, you know, we think that's going to be so cool for the other person and they're like, well, that's great, but I just really wanted some quality time or I just really wanted you know yeah, yeah, I mean I think sometimes really learning to be open to other people's because you know, I don't want people to give me gifts.

Speaker 1: 15:30

I don't need that. Like that doesn't, that doesn't fill my cup. Like I want to spend time with you and I want to hang out and I want to just be. You know, go do something fun or whatever. And those are the things that really lift me up.

Speaker 2: 15:47

And when we watch other people, we will see them light up. When we target their gift, you will see them light up. You will see it make a difference. And I really love that you added the last one, because I almost feel like that one's all inclusive of all the other five and, if we're paying attention, we are exercising that sixth one and we are exercising it on both sides we are giving it and receiving it, and that is the most beautiful, the most beautiful piece right there.

Speaker 1: 16:31

Oh, I love that. I love that you kind of brought that all together. I love that you kind of brought that all together.

Speaker 1: 16:43

Emotional safety has been a huge thing for me and realizing or feeling safe to fully express myself in my relationships and be honest and not be, you know, to move through that people pleasing and feel safe to just be me and be my true, authentic self. And if I have a concern or a problem or something that I want to work through, feeling like I can have that conversation and not feel judged and not feel attacked and not you know, I want to feel safe. I want to feel safe in my relationships and that has become I. That's why that's why I added it, because I was like that is where I feel really loved is when I feel like I can just be me and it's safe to do that, and when we recognize anyone else's gift and give that to them, fulfill that for them in some way.

Speaker 2: 17:37

somehow we are also exercising emotional safety at the same time, yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:45

Well, and that's that's. I guess that's the other part of it is. I truly want to be that safe space for the people in my life. I want them to feel that they can. You know they've got something on their hearts that they want to pour out, or you know something that they want to work through or just need help with, or just need somebody to listen, without judgment, you know that's that's important for me to be, that for the people in my life.

Speaker 2: 18:20

Yeah, so beautiful.

Speaker 1: 18:24

So the other day. So I was telling you that I was having kind of a difficult time like verbalizing what I wanted to talk about in regards to love languages, and then you sent me a message back and I was like, oh my gosh, that's so beautifully. Do you remember what you said?

Speaker 2: 18:43

Probably not Do you, do you remember at all what I said?

Speaker 1: 18:55

It was well it was about, because I was having a hard time explaining that obviously we have our own love languages and then other people receiving and maybe I actually articulated it better now because of what you had said but other people being open to, or us being open to, learning and observing what other people's love languages are because we do try to love them in our own language rather than theirs yes, and oftentimes I think that's when you butt heads is because you're trying to love them in your way when we need to love them in their way, and vice versa.

Speaker 2: 19:34

And so sometimes people try so so hard and they try, and they try, and they try and they're like, well, I've done everything, I've given everything, but it's not that person's love language. So to them it's not everything, it's not, yeah, it's not hitting the target, right.

Speaker 1: 20:09

So you know, that kind of brings something else up for me, because obviously I talk pouring love onto others, but not wanting, but doing so without expectation, right like I'm not. So I'm not speaking your love language or doing those things because I want something in return. I want to fill you up, but yet I don't want you to be dependent on me for that. Oh see.

Speaker 2: 20:38

I don't know. I think that comes back to our responsibility of knowing our own love languages and how to fulfill our love languages ourselves. I will use one of my examples as physical touch and quality time. But I also work with horses, and part of the reason I work with my horses is because they are givers of physical touch. I get to touch them, feel them, hug them, kiss them, love them, and they unconditionally return it, and they love it just as much as I do. But there are no expectations.

Speaker 2: 21:19

I think that we can do that with any one of our gifts. We can give ourselves words of affirmation. All we have to do is take a minute to do it. We can give ourselves gifts. It can be a flower out of the yard, it can be a bouquet of dandelions, it can be a flower out of the yard, it can be a bouquet of dandelions, it can be whatever. We can give ourselves an act of service. I go through the car wash and for me that's an act of service. Baby, I didn't have to get out there and scrub that car Right.

Speaker 2: 21:51

I let those brushes do it, and boy do I feel good when I drive out of that car wash. We can give ourselves quality time by taking time to fill our own cup, and then in that case we have time to love on other people and their love languages, to love on other people and their love languages. So I think that that's part of the responsibility of knowing our love languages is knowing how to fulfill our own first. That is beautiful, oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 22:31

This is the most magical conversation I love that so much. Love languages are magical. They are magical, yes, but yeah, we were just sitting here talking and then it just came to me. I'm like I talk about, you know, filling your own cup and not looking outside of yourself, and then I'm talking about love, languages and doing, doing, doing for other people. But you said that just so beautifully, thank you. I loved that so much, thank you.

Speaker 2: 22:58

Yeah, well, I think in my life I found that to be very true. You know, it was an awakening to me to learn my love languages and it has been an amazing part of my compass to choose relationships and people and jobs and everything that fit my love languages. The kitchen is another way I can use, so I am a chef. The kitchen is another way I can fulfill my love language, because when I make really good food and I serve it beautifully, it's all done up, gorgeously presented at a party and people are walking around saying, oh my gosh, it smells good. Oh my gosh, look at how beautiful it is. Oh my gosh, this tastes so good. What is that? It's words of affirmation. Yeah, it's beautiful, it is. But I fulfilled them, incredibly, and then they were able to give back to me. Yeah, it's symbiotic, it's. It's it's an infinite circle of loving and giving and receiving and creating, and loving and giving and receiving and creating, and it just flows, it just flows.

Speaker 1: 24:27

Yeah, emotional safety, giving that to ourselves. I think that has to do with really learning how to feel our feelings and move through those and know that we're safe within our bodies. To do that, we need to cry. We cry. If we need to scream, we scream and allow ourselves to feel safe within our bodies and how to hold that or release it. I guess it necessarily does hold, but release and do that with ourselves and do it without judgment.

Speaker 2: 25:08

And that comes in many forms meditation, a walk in nature, putting your feet in the sand I mean shaking your ass, shaking your ass, baby. We have so many tools to do that that we just never thought about in that concept often. But it's there. It's there for the taking and there for the giving. And, yeah, beautiful, I love, love languages, I know it was so aligned.

Speaker 1: 25:43

I was like why haven't I done the episode yet?

Speaker 2: 25:45

oh, because I was meant to have this conversation with you oh well, I'm grateful that we had the opportunity, because it is something I'm very passionate about.

Speaker 1: 25:58

Yeah, you ready the magic of what if card deck. Here we go. What is our card for the day? What if my next chapter is more magical than the last? This card has come up in the last three draws. I did a draw last night with somebody and then today this one came up when I was at coffee with my friend. And then now it came up again. So what does that mean?

Speaker 2: 26:36

read it again.

Speaker 1: 26:38

What if my next chapter is more magical than the last?

Speaker 2: 26:44

because love languages are magical. Yeah, and now that we know, isn't that wild, though?

Speaker 1: 26:53

literally the last three times in the last 24 hours that I have shuffled the deck and either I pulled the card actually I pulled it and then two other people separately pulled it the same card has come up, this is a 44 card deck. And that same card has come up three times in 24 hours, so I think that is absolutely beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Speaker 1: 27:25

Yeah, I don't. I didn't even talk in the beginning about how we even met. So we became friends just over, like a year ago, and now you are one of my closest and dearest friends. We met through our life coaching course and it's so funny we so, in the class that we took, we were given an accountability partner and we would rotate through with various people through. Was that a 20 week class? I don't remember.

Speaker 1: 27:56

Anyway, every so often, yeah, we would we would switch through and you and I connected, and that was literally over a year ago and we've been still meeting every week.

Speaker 2: 28:08

Yeah, it's been great Almost without fail. Yeah, it's been great, almost without fail, and between the life coaching and the energy work and all of that, it's just brings us back together. Yeah, so it's been great. It has been great.

Speaker 1: 28:22

And you know one of our very first, because we were coaching each other. So obviously we got to know each other fairly intimately right out of the gate.

Speaker 2: 28:31

You know, hello, stranger, I don't know you but I'm going to tell you about something going on in my life and please help coach me through it.

Speaker 1: 28:36

And I remember one of our first meetings eagle an eagle swirling came in and you were telling me or like not telling me but offering to me that I should, you know, take a eagle view, a broader view of what was going on, and whatever the situation was, I don't remember now, but every time I see an eagle swirling around I always think of you and that guidance you had offered to me at that time.

Speaker 2: 29:10

So thank you for that.

Speaker 1: 29:12

Eagles are beautiful, yeah, I love having you in my life and we talk through stuff all the time and I just absolutely adore you, so thank you for being so open when I was like, hey, do you want to come on the show and talk about this?

Speaker 2: 29:31

And you're like sure, open when I was like hey do you want to come on the show and talk about this, and you're like sure, yes, yes, I love sharing and, yes, I'm very appreciative of our friendship and everything We've. We have delved into some very deep subjects and it's been good.

Speaker 1: 29:58

Yes, yes, yes. Lots of deep conversation and support for one another, and you are an amazing coach. So if anybody is also looking for coaching, you are available for that. I know as well.

Speaker 2: 30:05

So thank you, yes, yes. Well, I hope that if there's any questions about love, languages or anything that we can say further, that maybe someone can you have a place where someone can post or, you know, you have the Q&As.

Speaker 1: 30:25

Yeah, we have the weekly Q&A in the podcasting community, but then there's also an option to text the show. You can, there's a link in the show description, where you can leave a message there and get back to you in a future episode and I can always have you come back on and hang out, because it's fun, totally, totally yeah. Do you have any final parting words for everyone?

Speaker 2: 30:53

Just that, I think, the more you so take the test. Take the test, find out your love languages and then live by your love languages, put, incorporate them into your life for yourself, and then start watching people around you and noticing theirs and watch the magic happen. Cause it is, it will, it will happen, You'll go ah it's like a big sigh of relief. Yeah, yeah, it's just it's fun. It's actually really fun because because you just you get to know that about people and then you can, it's just so surprisingly fun.

Speaker 1: 31:41

And what if I allow the universe to surprise and delight me?

Speaker 2: 31:44

Yes, yes, me and everyone around me.

Speaker 1: 31:48

Right, exactly.

Speaker 2: 31:51

Oh, I love you so much Thank you for coming on to the show.

Speaker 1: 31:55

I appreciate it.

Speaker 2: 31:57

I love you too, and thank you again for having me, and I'm just so happy to be able to talk about that today. Yeah, yeah, it's a very uplifting subject.

Speaker 1: 32:12

Yes, for sure I love you so much and I hope everybody has a beautiful, beautiful day. Thank you so much for joining us today. Much love.