Are You Busy…or Are You Avoiding Yourself? (Relationship Series Ep #4)

In this episode of the Relationship Series, I’m exploring a relationship most people don’t even realize they’re in: their relationship with avoidance.

Avoidance isn’t laziness or lack of discipline - it’s a protective strategy your nervous system learned long before you knew you were using it. And it shows up everywhere: staying busy, saying yes when your body is a no, pretending you’re fine, over-focusing on other people, or pushing down the truth because you’re afraid of what it might require you to feel or change.

Awareness is powerful - but awareness without aligned action becomes another form of self-abandonment. Today, we’re talking about the signals your body sends before your mind catches up, the ways we override those signals, and what becomes possible when you finally stop running from yourself and choose one small honest action instead.

We’ll end with a card pull and this week’s reflection questions:

Reflection Questions:

1. What am I currently avoiding feeling or acknowledging in my life?
2. How do I tend to avoid myself - staying busy, saying yes, fixing others, numbing out, or pretending I’m fine?
3. What truth have I been resisting because I’m afraid of what it might require?
4. If I stopped judging my avoidance, what is one small action I could take to move toward myself instead of away?

Take a breath, stay open, and let this episode land where it needs to.

Join Listen to Your Body Talk™, my 7-week program to help you break cycles of overwhelm, people-pleasing, shutdown, and emotional spirals so you can reconnect with clarity, confidence, and yourself. Founding members get extra support and the lowest price this program will ever be. Learn more:  https://programs.purepossibilities.net/listen-to-your-body-talk-january-2026-B

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Stage For Awareness
• 3:41 The Cost Of Self-Abandonment
• 6:56 Noticing Body Signals And Choices
• 8:37 Guided Breath And Safety Check-In
• 9:32 Avoidance As A Coping Mechanism
• 11:59 Busyness As Socially Approved Avoidance
• 15:05 The “I’m Fine” Mask
• 19:18 Caretaking And Other-Focus
• 21:24 Saying Yes When Your Body Says No
• 23:22 Why We Avoid: Change And Consequences
• 25:29 From Awareness To Aligned Action
• 27:28 Card Pull: Inviting Creativity
• 29:08 Reflection Questions And Micro Steps

Transcript

Shannon: 1:57

Welcome back to the Pure Possibilities Podcast. I'm your host, Shannon, and I have really been enjoying this relationship series. It has been, I don't know, unlocking some things for me and reminding me of all of the relationships that we're in, whether it's with people, with various things. And several things have been coming up for me, and that's always a good thing in my book because once I'm aware, it allows me the opportunity to kind of move through it. So before we get into today's episode, which is an incredibly important one, they're all important, but this one might be a little bit eye-opening for you. It might bring to light some things that you don't really think about. And it's interesting because as we continue to navigate through life, there comes a point where when you push things down and don't allow yourself to move through whatever it is, you get to like this tipping point, this almost like explosion. And that's one of the main reasons why I do this is because I want to help you be aware. And once you're aware, it allows you the opportunity to make a shift. And I know that I always say you don't have to change anything right now. And that's true. And also once you become aware, if you choose to not even take a small step to make a shift with something, it's almost like you don't know. So awareness without aligned action is like not even knowing. And when you are not living in congruence with your head, your heart, and your soul, and your values and your integrity. And if you are continually abandoning yourself, something happens and you receive that signal in your body that something needs to change. And you don't have to wait for the explosion for that to happen, which is why we talk about small steps. Because your soul is here to expand and grow and evolve. And when you are out of alignment and living a life that doesn't feel true to your soul, that's when you know when it's time to make a change. I mean, that's what happened to me when I left the theater. Like I was trying to do all the things and pretending like I was fine, and I honestly wasn't. And it got to the point where I was like, this isn't working for me anymore. I I can't keep pretending. And so just remember that your soul is calling you for whatever whatever reason you're here. It's it's asking you to grow and evolve and to be the most magnificent version of yourself that you can be. And maybe you end up being in service of others, maybe it's just how you show up for yourself every day. I don't know what that is for you, only you know. And the more you tune in and listen to how your body is communicating to you about what actually feels good and what actually doesn't, and then allowing yourself to move with that and allowing yourself to express in a healthy way whatever those emotions are that are coming through for you, it's truly life-changing. I truly believe that you can create the life that you actually want to be living. And as I always say, it's not easy to be honest with yourself, it's not always easy to admit that you might want something different in your life. But if I am not bold and honest with my messaging with you, then I'm doing you a disservice. So I appreciate you being here and being open to what I'm sharing with you. So today we are going to move into a relationship that most people don't even realize that they're in. And that is your relationship with avoidance. We're gonna talk about, I think there's about five different examples I'm gonna offer to you. And it was interesting when I sat down to put this episode together, the different ways that people avoid. And I don't know that they're actually realizing that it's avoidance. It's gonna be interesting how this unfolds. Over the last couple of episodes, we've talked about your relationship with yourself, which is absolutely the most important one. It affects every single relationship that you have, your relationship with your body signals and the sensations that show up before your thoughts even have an opportunity to catch up. And today we're gonna go deeper into what happens after those signals show up, especially when we don't want to feel what they're trying to tell us. Because once you recognize how your body is talking, you really only have a few options. You can choose to listen, you can get curious about it, you can meet yourself there and allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling and process it, or you can avoid it. And avoidance is so much sneakier and more common than most people realize. Before we move on, let's go ahead and take a breath together. If it's safe and comfortable for you to do so, go ahead and close your eyes or soften your gaze, relax your jaw, drop your shoulders, place a hand on your heart or on your belly. Take a slow, deep inhale through your nose, and a long, gentle exhale through your mouth. Just letting your body know that you're safe in this present moment. You don't have to brace for what's coming. You're safe to be here. When I say avoidance, I'm not just talking about putting off doing the dishes or answering emails or procrastinating things. Avoidance at its core is a protective strategy. It's what your nervous system does when it senses that actually feeling something, seeing something clearly for what it is, or telling yourself the truth that might be too much or might require a change that you don't feel like you're ready for. And avoidance says to you, let's not look at that. Let's not feel that. Let's not open that door right now. And it's not because you're lazy or because anything's wrong with you, but because at some point your system learned that being honest with yourself is dangerous or painful, or it could cost you connections or relationships. So, what I really want you to hear is that avoidance is not a character flaw, it's a coping mechanism. And at the same time, if we never meet it with honesty, it will run your life. It might be secretly in the background, but it will run your life. There's a lot of ways that avoidance can show up, and it doesn't actually necessarily look like avoidance. For most people, it's not like this big dramatic thing. It looks functional, it looks busy, it looks productive, and it often looks very together. And it can sound like, I'm fine, it's not really that big of a deal. I'll deal with that later. I don't have time to think about that right now. Other people have it so much worse than I do. It's really just a busy season, it'll pass. And I see that so often in how people structure their lives. You cram your schedule from morning until night. So you are completely booked out. You say yes to every single request, you take on one more project, one more responsibility, one more outing, one more favor, one more, one more, one more. And if I were to ask you why, your response might be, I'm just busy. I'd love to help. It has to get done. If I don't do it, nobody else will. Or I have to do it, or it won't get done right. It's just who I am. But I would like to invite you to be open to another question. Do I max myself out to avoid feeling something or addressing something? Because this is what most people don't realize. Busyness is one of the most socially acceptable forms of avoidance. Take that one in. Busyness is one of the most socially acceptable forms of avoidance. If you never stop, you never have to feel. If you never slow down, you never have to ask the harder questions. If you are constantly focused on the next thing, you never have to sit with what's already here. And when you stop, when there is finally a pause, a quiet moment, that is when your mind starts spinning and your emotions start bubbling up to the surface. So of course, your nervous system thinks, whoa, let's not do that again. Let's stay busy. It feels safer. And when I say it feels safer, it feels safer in your body because you're not allowing yourself to open up to feeling what you actually feel, because something might have to change if you do. Another big form of avoidance is pretending that you're fine when you're absolutely not. And I mean like the deeper, quieter version of pretending. It looks like showing up to work, to family events, to friendships, with a smile on your face when your body is absolutely exhausted and screaming, I cannot keep doing this. It looks like laughing when things actually hurt, making jokes about things that might have actually broken your heart, saying, Oh, it's not that bad when deep inside your body and your soul, you know it feels like it really is. It looks like convincing yourself that you're okay because you're functioning, because you can still get things done because you haven't completely fallen apart. And it's hard because the world sees that and praises that and thinks it's amazing because you're getting it all done. You've got it all together. You from the outside look like you have this perfect life. You're the capable one, you're the one that holds it all together. But pretending you're fine when you're not is a form of self-abandonment. It is avoidance dressed up as resilience. Another powerful and incredibly sneaky way avoidance shows up is through caretaking and overfocusing on other people. This can show up as being incredibly gossipy. It can show up because when you're focused on other people and what's going on in their life, you don't have to deal with your own. You might become the person that everyone leans on, the one who remembers the birthdays, who checks in all the time, who holds space for other people, who listens, who comforts, who talks them through their pain. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being loving and supportive. That is beautiful. But I want you to notice when this is happening. When you are so busy tending to other people's physical or emotional world that you never actually tend to your own, if you're always asking, How are you? What do you need? How can I help you? But you never stop and ask yourself the same questions, there's a good chance that your giving has quietly become avoidance. Because if you slow down long enough to turn that same level of attention inward, you might have to admit, I'm not okay either. I'm lonely, I'm resentful, I'm exhausted, I'm unfulfilled, I've been abandoning myself. And you know, I mean, have you ever I've been in a relationship before where I felt more alone being in a relationship than I did actually being alone? I'm so focused on everyone else that I'm not tending to what I need. And those are very difficult truths to sit with if you don't feel safe to do so. And when I mean safe, I'm talking about feeling safe in your body to be able to relax and ground and center yourself enough to be able to allow yourself to process and feel and emote whatever it is that you're feeling. Another big one is saying yes so you don't have to feel what a no would require of you. This is a big one. Most people who struggle with boundaries aren't just, you know, bad at saying no, they're avoiding what a no might bring up in their body, in their feelings, in their emotional state. If I say no, will you be disappointed in me? If I say no, will you pull away? If I say no, will you be mad at me? If I say no, will I feel guilty? If I say no, will I feel selfish? If I say no, will I have to sit with my own discomfort? So it feels easier in that moment to just say yes. Yes, I'll help. Yes, I'll show up. Yes, I will take that on. Yes, I would absolutely love to be there. But every time you do that, when your body is a no, you are not just avoiding conflict with another person, you're avoiding the discomfort of being honest with yourself. And that's and there's a part to that that people don't want to hear because the moment you become aware that you're saying yes, when you mean no, and you keep doing it, that becomes a choice. And I am not saying that to shame you, but to empower you. Because when you are continually doing that and you're aware of it, it's a choice. Because if it's a choice, it means you have the power to choose differently. So why do we avoid? We avoid because feeling that truth might require change. Change might require decisions, decisions might require boundaries, boundaries might impact our relationships, our routines, our identities. We've built our lives around. Avoidance is your nervous system's way of buying yourself more time. If we don't look at it, we don't have to change it. If we don't feel it, we don't have to move. And honestly, for a while that can work. Like if you're walking around with, you know, like your blinders on, it can work for a while. You can outrun yourself for a season. You can stay busy, you can stay helpful, you can stay fine, but over time that cost gets higher. Avoidance keeps you in patterns you already know are not working. Patterns you can explain in detail, patterns you're deeply aware of. And awareness is powerful. It's necessary, it's the doorway. But awareness without the action or shift eventually becomes its own form of self-abandonment. It's like standing in the doorway of your own life and never actually stepping through. Avoidance can leave you numb but functioning, overworked, but undernourished, surrounded by people, but deeply lonely, successful on the outside, but disconnected from what actually matters to you. It keeps your world small when your soul is craving expansion. And I am absolutely not saying this from a place of judgment. I'm saying it because I've been there. I have absolutely been there. So, what do we do with all of this? The point is not to eliminate avoidance completely or to shame yourself every time you catch yourself in a moment of avoidance. The point is to start being honest with yourself about where it's showing up in your life and allow that honesty to lead you to different choices in those micro moments. When you notice yourself over scheduling, you might pause and ask yourself, what am I afraid I'll feel if I slow down? When you hear yourself say, I'm fine, you might gently check in. Is that actually true? And if it's not, what do I need? Do you ever have those moments where someone says, Hey, how are you doing? You're like, I'm fine. But deep down, you know, if you were actually honest with yourself and with them, you would completely unload all of the things that you were not feeling fine about. And you you pause and you stop because it's like, oh, this is just like a surface level conversation. I don't need to get into how I actually feel with them. But we do that all the time, casually with people, you know, whether you're out at a restaurant or that used to happen at the movie theater quite often, I'd say, Hey, how are you doing today? And very few people would actually say, you know what, I'm having a really shitty day and I'm here to watch a movie to hopefully shift that for myself. But people would do it, and I actually would thank them. I'm like, thank you for being honest with me. Because how often do people truly tell you how they actually feel? So another area where you want to allow that honesty to lead is when you find yourself fixated on someone else's problems, you might ask yourself, what am I avoiding in my own life right now? When you say yes and you feel that in your stomach or somewhere in your body, you might get curious, what would it feel like to honor the no that's already in me, even if it's uncomfortable? This is where your relationship with your body signals becomes so important. Your body is telling you something is off long before your mind wants to actually admit it. And the more you listen and the more you connect with your body, the less you're gonna need the avoidance to protect you. All right, I'm gonna go ahead and we're gonna do a card pull from the magic of what if card deck. And I'm gonna actually pull from volume one because I feel like I'm always pulling from volume two. The card decks are available on my website, pure possibilitiespodcast.com. Under shop, there's all kinds of fun magic of what if merchandise, journals, the 2026 desktop calendar, mugs. I use my mug every day. It says what if today is the day everything changes. It's my favorite mug. All right. Today's card poll. What if I allow creativity to easily flow through me? This is interesting. I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about creativity because she is very talented and artsy. And we were having a conversation about how I never used to feel like I was creative. And that came from some childhood stuff from way back. And over the years, I've realized that I am actually quite creative. It doesn't look the way I initially like boxed it in in my life. Like I used to think of creativity as like artsy, you know, being able to draw, being able to paint and various things. Whereas I am actually very creative, especially because like the first thing she said was, Well, you make those beautiful bouquets all the time. I said, Yeah, but it wasn't like that. I said the first time I did it, I said, my sister took me to this class. And the first time I did it, I really felt like worried that I wasn't going to do it right. And then over time, I've realized that I actually really just enjoy the process of creating it and making it whatever I want it to be. And does it look perfect? Absolutely not. My bouquets don't look perfect, but I enjoy the time creating them. And then I feel really good that I created that and it's really beautiful. No matter how it might look to anyone else, it's beautiful to me. And so I've taken steps to do various things to really allow my creativity to flow in areas that I never thought were possible before. And it's really a lot of fun. What if I easily allow creativity to flow through me? Hold on to that message for a moment and notice how it lands in your body. And maybe it feels expansive, maybe it feels confronting, maybe it feels surprisingly soft. But let's continue and move into this week's reflection questions. If it's safe and comfortable for you, go ahead and close your eyes or soften your gaze, relax your shoulders, place a hand on your heart and take a slow deep breath in. And gently exhale. I'm going to walk you through a few questions and they'll also be in the show description if you want to come back to them later. Number one, what am I currently avoiding feeling or acknowledging in my life? And just notice what comes up, even if you don't want it to be there. Number two, how do I tend to avoid myself? Do I stay busy, say yes, fix other people's problems, gossip about other people's problems, numb out, or pretend I'm fine? Again, you don't have to change it just yet. Just be honest about what's true for you. Number three, what truth have I been resisting? Because I'm afraid of what it might require me to do. Is it a boundary? A conversation? A shift in a relationship? A change in how you care for yourself? And number four, if I stopped judging my avoidance and met it with love, honesty, and curiosity instead, what is one tiny action I could take this week to move toward myself instead of away from myself? Take a break and another deep breath in and release. You don't have to overhaul your life today. You don't have to feel everything all at once. But one honest moment with yourself is more powerful than a year of pretending that you're fine. Avoidance is human, it's part of how we learned to survive. But you are not just here to survive, you are here to thrive, to feel, to live, to grow, to expand into the version of you that you know is possible. The one your body has been signaling to you and whispering to you for a long time. And that version of you doesn't need you to be perfect. It just needs you to stop running away from yourself, to tell yourself the truth a little bit sooner, to listen to your body a little more closely, to choose one aligned action instead of 10 performative ones. Awareness is the doorway. Action, aligned action, even small, gentle, imperfect action is what will carry you through. Thank you so much for being here with me today. Thank you for your willingness to look at the things that are not always comfortable to see and feel. And thank you for choosing over and over again to come back to yourself. I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day and an amazing week. Much love.