Where Did I Go? (Ep #7 Relationship Series)

As partnerships deepen and life evolves, our time, energy, and availability naturally change. Friendships shift. Guilt can surface. And many of us quietly wonder if wanting more space, balance, or alone time means we’re doing something wrong.

In this episode of the Relationship Series, we explore how people lose connection with themselves in friendships and relationships - not because they don’t care, but because they’ve learned to prioritize others over their own needs. This conversation isn’t about choosing one relationship over another. It’s about learning how to stay connected to yourself while your relationships evolve.

We talk about people-pleasing, guilt, changing availability, and why alone time is not rejection - it’s a relationship with yourself.

This episode includes a Magic of What If card pull and reflection questions to support you in navigating relational transitions with honesty and self-trust.

✨Reflection Questions

• Where in my friendships has my availability shifted, and how does my body feel about that?
• What part of me feels guilty for needing more space or balance right now?
• Where might I be people-pleasing out of habit rather than honoring my truth?
• What would it feel like to honor both my relationships and myself?

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome Back & Series Context
• 2:01 When Friendships Shift In Partnership
• 3:34 Guilt, Identity, And People Pleasing
• 6:24 Alone Time As A Vital Relationship
• 8:22 Letting Relationships Evolve Gracefully
• 10:08 Curiosity Over Guilt And Fear
• 11:44 Permission To Change Your Mind
• 14:07 Guided Reflection Questions
• 16:18 A Personal Story Of Over-Focusing
• 20:08 Building Balanced Bonds Going Forward
• 22:11 The “Hell Yes Tomorrow” Check

Transcript

Shannon: 0:58

Welcome back. You're listening to the Pure Possibilities Podcast. I'm your host, Shannon. Today we're diving back in to the relationship series as we have so much more to talk about. Since we've had a little bit of a break, I wanted to kind of recap what we've already explored. We have touched on your relationship with yourself, your body signals, avoidance, honesty, friendships, grief, joy, and playfulness. Everything is a relationship. And all of that matters because that sits right in the middle of something many of us experience, but don't often talk about. What happens to our friendships when we enter a partnership or when a relationship deepens or when our lives start asking for more space, more rest, and more intentionality? There can often be a subtle transitional point where we realize we can't be everywhere for everyone all the time. We just can't do it anymore. And that realization can bring up guilt, confusion, a lot of old patterns. And this episode isn't about choosing one relationship over another. It's about how do you stay deeply connected without abandoning yourself? When life changes, our friendships change. When you enter a new relationship or deepen an existing one, your time, energy, and availability are naturally going to change. And that doesn't mean that you actually care less and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It means that your life is evolving and shifting and you're growing, which is amazing and beautiful. However, for many people, our friendships were built during times when maybe we were available all the time. Maybe we had kids that were growing up together. And so we developed those friendships. Maybe you were in a space where you always said yes. You were a planner, a connector, the reliable one. And you were honestly just in a different time and space in your life. And so when that begins to change, even subtly, it can feel uncomfortable, not just externally, but internally. And we go from being always available to needing to find that balance. And that's where a lot of people get stuck because you may genuinely love your friends, and you may also genuinely want more time with your partner. And you may also honestly want more time alone. And how do we find that balance? You're like in this triangle. Time for yourself is not rejection. Wanting balance is that's not, you're not betraying anyone by wanting that. And yet, if you've been that always available friend for a long time, your nervous system may still feel guilt, even when others are completely understanding. I mean, I guess the question is: is it possible that you might be putting pressure on yourself that might not exist otherwise? Just because people adjust doesn't mean that your body and your nervous system hasn't had an opportunity to catch up with those shifts that are happening, which then takes us into people pleasing. This is something that's really important because many people aren't people pleasers in every aspect of their lives, but in certain friendships that can activate that people-pleasing part of us. You know, you're the one that always shows up, you're the one that never says no, you're the one that's always there for everyone. And when those dynamics start to shift by resting more, by saying no, by choosing yourself, that discomfort that we feel isn't often about the friendship itself. And honestly, a lot of things are not usually about what we, they're not usually about what we like might initially think it is. It's something that's usually going on deeper within us. And we will often make assumptions about how we believe or perceive others might respond to those shifts that are happening. And I guess the question I ask is: is there a part of you that feels like maybe if you were to say no, that maybe you wouldn't be invited again? Is there a part of you that wants to say yes because you're afraid of missing out? Is there a part of you that might actually be afraid of being alone because you don't know what feelings might come up if you spend time with yourself? So all of this is actually about breaking an identity that you once needed to survive. And that internal shift can sometimes feel a lot harder than the external one. Our time alone is also a relationship, and that matters. Our partnerships don't replace our friendships, our friendships don't replace our self-connection. And alone time isn't something that you have to earn. It's something that you actually need. You need the time for yourself, you need the time to rest, you need the time to reflect, you need that time to connect. And sometimes what we're actually craving isn't less friendship or less partnership. It's more time to be ourselves and be with ourselves. A quiet evening in, unstructured time, more rest, moments where you don't have to actually be on for everyone. And that doesn't mean that there's something wrong. It means your system and your body is asking for you to create that balance in your life. So, how do you blend those worlds together without losing yourself? Sometimes it might feel good to combine your gatherings with maybe your friends and your partners. And sometimes it doesn't. I mean, that can be one way to work through it, but not every friend needs to be deeply integrated into all of your life. Not every hangout has to look exactly the way it used to. And not every relationship needs to stay the same as it was to remain meaningful. Your relationships are allowed to evolve just like you do. And allowing that evolution doesn't mean that you're failing at that connection. It means you're honoring your reality, you're honoring what is, you're honoring your growth and your development. So when that guilt starts to show up, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. It means that you're doing something new and that can feel uncomfortable. It can be the discomfort of disappointing that older version of yourself. It could be the perceived disappointment that you feel like you're disappointing other people. It could be stepping out of that familiar role that you're used to and no longer being needed in the same way. And that guilt that you might be feeling, it's information. It's information. It's an opportunity for you to get curious with yourself about like what's going on here? What's going on with me? It's all information, all of it. And when we approach life and our relationships from that space of curiosity, it really can be helpful. It can be helpful to give you the answers that you might be seeking. Anytime a relationship shifts, it can bring up uncertainty, especially when we're learning how to honor ourselves in new ways. And what if it's actually simply about giving yourself permission to evolve and allowing that to just be okay? It's okay for my relationship to look a little bit different at this stage in my life. It's okay for my partnership to look a little bit different at this stage in my life. It's okay for me to prioritize how I feel, what I want to do with myself and my time. Okay, we're gonna go ahead and move into the magic of what if card pull for the week and see see what the cards have to say. Last week's was amazing. I love how the energy of the cards always feel aligned with the episode. You can't tell me that magic doesn't exist. Okay, so Magic of What If Card Deck Volume 2 available on my website, purepossibilitiespodcast.com. Today's message is let's see. What if I allow myself permission to change my mind? What if I allow myself permission to change my mind? That's like, what if you allow yourself permission to evolve? And allow that to be okay. When we allow ourselves permission to change our mind, you know, sometimes like we make a decision and we feel like, okay, well, I made that decision, so I'm stuck with it. And that's simply not true. It's like sometimes we feel like, well, I made that decision, so I have to stick with it forever. I decided to be on this career path, and so I have to stay there. I've decided that I want to live in a certain place, and so I feel like I have to stay there forever and I can't move. And I've decided that I'm gonna stay in this relationship, even though I'm unhappy and miserable because I don't want to disappoint anybody. And, you know, we just we make these decisions, and it is okay to change your mind. You don't have to, you know, let's say you go to college and you get a degree in one thing, and then you realize, oh my gosh, I want to do something else with my life. You don't have to stay with those decisions. We are meant to grow and evolve and shift. It's it's what we're meant to do, to follow the calling of your soul. What a beautiful card for today. Okay, so I want to offer you a few reflection questions to sit with this week and you know, just notice what comes up for you. They're also going to be posted in the show description if you don't have the time or space for them in this particular moment. If it feels safe and comfortable, go ahead and soften your gaze or close your eyes, place your hand on your heart, take a slow deep breath in through your nose, hold and release. Where in my friendships has my availability shifted? And how does my body feel about that? Question number two What part of me feels guilty for needing more space or balance right now? Where might I be people pleasing out of habit rather than my truth? And what would it feel like to honor both my relationships and myself? Allow yourself to just notice what comes up for you when you ask those questions. It's very interesting to me. I wanted to share a personal story. Um it's interesting to me, first of all, that in this relationship series, every time we are gonna dive into friendships and intimate partnerships, my body reacts and it I feel like an activation inside of me. I actually had to go have myself a little dance party before I recorded this because I sat down and it just wasn't coming through. And then it occurred to me that this is a thing for me when I'm talking about friendships and intimate relationships. Because when I was in my last long-term relationship, I only had, I mean, you don't need to have a ton of connections and friends in your life, but I was in that relationship and then I had my close friend. And I had kind of secluded myself into those relationships. And it wasn't that I was intentionally leaving people out of my life, but I was like, I don't know, I would say I was probably hyper focused on that relationship. And until I actually, I mean, I can look back at this now and see where I was in that time and space and understand now that I I wasn't deeply connected with myself. And now that I have deepened that relationship with myself, I understand that there were wounded parts of me that were afraid that if I didn't keep those people and those relationships like front and center in my life, that they might leave. If I spoke up about how I felt about something, that the relationship would end, because that kind of felt like the pattern that I was in. And so when that last intimate relationship ended, I did feel alone because I had shut people out. And I also didn't have a relationship with myself at that time. And so there was like this, it was that outsourcing my happiness. I was outsourcing my happiness to other people rather than cultivating that within myself. And like I mentioned last week, like now I actually really enjoy spending time with myself. And there's also part of me that is, you know, curious that in the future, when I am in an intimate relationship, that I want to make sure that I'm also having those um, you know, cultivating my friendships outside of that partnership because I I truly feel like now, like we're all like we're all on our own individual path. And so I want to have a relationship with myself. I want my partner to have a relationship with themselves. I want us to have spend time together and also have our separate friendships. So it's like, I don't want someone to complete me. I want to be my own being and then also come together. And there is a part of me that is like, okay, are you gonna go down that path again in your next relationship? And no, I don't believe that I am. I believe that the that the growth work that I've done and where I'm at with myself now, but I just want you to know that like those thoughts come up, they don't stay. But it was just interesting how kind of activating certain segments of this relationship series have been for me and how my body and my subconscious are responding to traumatic events of my past. So I just wanted to share that with you. That I don't feel like it's uncommon for us to like dive so deeply into these relationships because of prior wounds that we have and that we're afraid that if we if we don't show up, if we don't do the thing, if we choose to spend time with ourselves, that those people are gonna go away, that we're not gonna be invited again, that they're gonna be disappointed with us. And I don't believe that that's actually true. I know that the people that I have in my life right now, like if I say, you know, I would love to go, and right now I just need some time with myself, like my people will understand that. But I also never felt like I didn't even know that that was a choice for me in the past. Whereas now I know that if it doesn't feel good for me in this moment, then I don't have to do it. And, you know, that's something else to think about. Um, I don't know where I heard this. I sometimes I have these things that I hear and I wish that I paid attention to like where it came from. But, you know, it's like asking yourself, when you're invited to something, even it doesn't matter when the event is, but if you if you think about if this event were to be tomorrow, if this gathering was going to happen tomorrow, would I want to go? Like, would that feel like a hell yes in my body? Even if it's actually gonna be in a few weeks, but think about it. If it's tomorrow, how would my body feel? If you're unsure, then let the other party know, I'll get back to you. You're allowed to take up that space and not say yes or no immediately. You don't have to make excuses, you don't have to give reasons why you're not attending or why you would like more time to decide. But internally ask yourself if this event were to happen tomorrow, would it be a hell yes for me? And if it's not, you know, something to get curious about. I just wanted to, I guess, normalize this, all of this. It's this is all just so human and normal. And if you find yourself in a space of feeling pulled in multiple directions, just know that you have the opportunity to come back to yourself and ask yourself what you really want. And you don't have to always explain yourself to everyone in your life. If you want time for yourself, then take time for yourself. And it will be uncomfortable at first, I can guarantee it. But the more you do it, the easier it gets. And by filling your own cup, and it's ultimately going to uh help you uh navigate through those relationships because you're coming from a place of peace and self-fulfillment. Okay. So I wanted to start something new and talk about some key takeaways. So before we close, here are a few things I want you to remember. You don't have to choose between people to choose yourself. Wanting to find balance doesn't mean that you love anyone any less. And guilt often signals growth, not that you're doing anything wrong. You are allowed to evolve without explaining every single shift that you're making in your life. The most important relationship to stay in during transitions is the relationship with yourself. You are allowed to grow, change, and relate differently without abandoning yourself or anyone else. Next time, we're gonna talk about what happens over time inside our intimate partnerships when the connection starts to fade, when your needs go unspoken. And I'm gonna offer you some ideas of ways that you might be able to reconnect with those relationships. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening. I hope this episode was helpful and supportive for you. Have a beautiful, beautiful day and an amazing week. Much love.