Your Relationship With: Disappointing People (Ep #23 Relationship Series)

Have you ever avoided saying no, expressing a need, or setting a boundary because you were worried about disappointing someone?

In this episode, I explore the fear that often sits beneath boundaries, people pleasing, and self-abandonment. We talk about the stories we create about how other people might react, why disappointment is a normal part of being human, and how trying to avoid disappointing others can sometimes lead us to disappoint ourselves instead.

I also share why boundaries aren't usually the problem, how self-judgment often shows up in the process, and why someone else's emotional response doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.

If you've ever worried about being seen as selfish, unkind, or "not nice" for honoring yourself, this conversation is for you. 

✨Reflection Questions✨

• Where am I avoiding a boundary because I don't want to disappoint someone?

• What story am I telling myself about what it means if someone is disappointed?

• What would I choose if I trusted that I can be both kind and honest? 

Sometimes the most inspiring thing we can do is stop abandoning ourselves and start honoring what's true for us.

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

Shannon 0:00

Welcome or welcome back. You're listening to the Pure Possibilities podcast, and I'm your host, Shannon. I was thinking this morning about how much I love doing this show. There's many reasons, but one of them is that so many people experience many of the same situations, scenarios, things going on in their life. And I'm constantly having conversations with people, whether it's my friends, family, clients, things that I'm personally going through. And it's so fascinating to me how I hear the same themes coming up over and over and over again, which is why I love being able to come here and share some insights, some thoughts, some things for you to get curious about, to maybe help you move through whatever it is that you might be going through or someone else in your life might be going through to give you maybe a different lens to look at, a different perspective. And I love having this platform to be able to do that. So thank you for being here. I very much appreciate it.

The Fear Beneath Disappointing People

Shannon 1:06

So I have had several conversations recently that have gotten me thinking not necessarily about boundaries specifically or people pleasing or even specific to relationships, but about disappointing people. It has come up multiple times recently. And what was interesting is that all of the conversations all sounded a little bit different, like on a surface level, but underneath they were really about the same thing. Someone didn't want to disappoint someone else. Someone didn't want to be seen as selfish. They didn't want to feel like they weren't being a nice person. That was definitely a recurring theme. I don't want to seem like I'm not nice. And so it got me thinking: how many times do we abandon ourselves because we're trying not to disappoint someone else? Because I think for a lot of people, what's actually deeper underneath that is fear. Because honestly, if you look at a lot of different things, fear is one of the deepest roots of most of our behaviors and how we react and respond to things. But in this situation, the fear isn't actually about setting the boundary. The fear is what might happen after. The fear is am I going to be able to handle the discomfort that's going to happen for me when I set this boundary? We are so quick to assume that we know how someone is going to react or respond. We will tell ourselves, if I say no, they're going to be upset. If I change my mind, they're going to be disappointed. If I actually honor myself and express what I need, they're going to think that I'm selfish. If I choose what's best for me, it's going to hurt that person. But most of the time we don't actually know that to be true. We're reacting to a story that we have created about something that hasn't even happened yet, or a conversation that we haven't even had, something in the future that doesn't even exist yet. That reaction may never come. And because we're trying to avoid disappointing someone else, we end up disappointing ourselves.

Boundaries As Quiet Self-Honoring

Shannon 3:24

And so what's also interesting is that people will often say, I struggle with boundaries. And I'm not entirely sure that the boundaries are actually the problem. I was talking with someone the other day, and we were talking about setting a boundary. And what came through for me is that most of the time people don't even know that you're setting a boundary. Brene Brown actually says that boundaries aren't a wall, they're a bridge. And they teach people how to be in relationship with you. Because honestly, boundaries are pretty simple. The boundary is information. It's information about what works for me, what doesn't work for me, what I need, what I'm willing to tolerate, what I'm available for, what I'm not available for. And contrary to what a lot of people will say, I mean, honestly, do you sit down and say, okay, friend, partner, loved one, family member, spouse, child, I'm going to set a boundary with you. Usually, when you're setting a boundary, it's usually something for yourself and it's quiet and it's behind the scenes. And you're not announcing to the world that you're setting a boundary. It's not like it's this big dramatic conversation that you're having with someone. Most of the time, a boundary is internal. It's something that you are setting for yourself so that you don't abandon yourself. You don't resent yourself. You are honoring yourself. It doesn't have to be a huge announcement to everyone. And most of the time, people don't even know that you've set the boundary. It could look like maybe you're not responding immediately. Maybe you're not volunteering. Maybe you leave an event when you said you were going to leave. Maybe you stop over-explaining yourself. What if you just choose to not engage? Sometimes that boundary is simply honoring yourself. And it doesn't have to be a big announcement to everyone. One

Kindness Is Not Self-Abandonment

Shannon 5:27

of the key themes that came up in these conversations I was having was people felt like they wouldn't be considered being a nice person if they set the boundary. And I think one of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that somehow the boundary is going to make us less kind. That if we're a nice person, we should always be available for people. We should always be accommodating, always understanding, always willing to say yes, always willing to help out. But kindness and self-abandonment are not the same thing. You can still be a kind, loving person and still have boundaries. You can be loving and still say no. You can care deeply about someone and still choose something different for yourself. And if someone is disappointed by that, it doesn't automatically mean that you've done something wrong. And it's not up to you to decide if they're going to be disappointed at whatever the boundary is that you've set for yourself. Disappointment is a very normal human emotion. And disappointment is part of life. People are going to disappoint us, we're going to disappoint other people, we're even going to disappoint ourselves sometimes. And that doesn't automatically make you a bad person or selfish or wrong. Sometimes it just means that people have different expectations and different needs and desires and timing and priorities. And when all of those things don't align perfectly, disappointment can happen. Disappointment will

Disappointment As Normal Human Information

Shannon 7:10

happen. It's part of being human. And the goal isn't to avoid disappointment at all costs. Can you imagine going through life, never having any disappointment? I mean, I feel like disappointment is also information. How could I handle a situation differently in the future? Or how could I honor myself differently? Or is this something I'm even interested in or not? There's so many questions that you can ask yourself from a space of curiosity rather than judgment. And the goal isn't to never disappoint people, it's learning how to navigate it. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? Learning how to navigate all of these ups and downs that are constantly coming at us and build the resilience within ourselves to be able to move through it and create a life that we enjoy living. So the real question becomes Am I able to tolerate the possibility that someone might be disappointed and still choose what's true for me? Can I honor my needs? Can I express myself honestly? Can I trust myself enough to choose what's important and what's aligned for me without making someone else's emotional response mean that I've done something wrong? Because that is where the self-trust comes into play when you're not getting everyone else's approval, when you're not making everyone else happy, when you're not making sure that everyone never feels disappointment, but knowing that you can both be kind and honest, compassionate and clear, loving and boundaried all at the same time, without creating a story of what that is going to mean about you. The

When Others Push Back On Change

Shannon 9:03

other thing that's interesting about this conversation when it comes to boundaries is sometimes when we get ourselves all worked up and we set a boundary with someone, and then maybe they do actually respond the way you expect. And the person doesn't like the boundary that you've set. And sometimes that is because that person that you're setting the boundary with was benefiting from you not having a boundary. It's just something to take note of because if someone is used to having unlimited access to you, to your time, to your energy, to your attention, to your physical and emotional labor, a boundary changes that arrangement. And that change feels uncomfortable. We talk about that. And that doesn't automatically mean that the boundary is wrong. And so what happens is you want to come back and connect with yourself and allow yourself to move through the discomfort.

Regulate Your Nervous System First

Shannon 10:04

I talk about this a lot with my clients. This is like, this is taking the uncomfortable step. So you do something to regulate yourself before, like if you're actually having a conversation and maybe even honestly, even if you're just setting the boundary with yourself, right? You pause and check in with yourself. And you can do some form of nervous system regulation practice. You could intentionally breathe, you could go for a walk, you could do something to ground within yourself. Set the boundary, whether it's to yourself or to the other person. And then after you do that, reconnect back with yourself and anchor in that I am safe and I'm okay. Nothing bad happened to me from setting that boundary or for choosing myself. And I know that change can feel uncomfortable and I'm willing to allow myself to sit through the discomfort of setting the boundary. And then the next time you do it, it's going to be so much easier. And just because someone else doesn't like the boundary that you've set, it doesn't mean that your boundary is wrong. That is a very important thing to remember. It just means that something has shifted, something has changed, and it honestly does feel uncomfortable for other people when you take your power back. And again, it doesn't necessarily have to be a huge conversation that you're having with someone, but it's very likely that when you speak up for yourself, when you set your own personal, even internal boundaries, that there is likely going to be a response from other people in regards to that because they're not used to it. It doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong, but it's different for them because you've never been like that. And what if they actually respect that you've set the boundary? At the end of the day, this conversation is really about choosing yourself, not at the expense of other people. And we're not talking about a place of selfishness, but from a place of self-respect. Because every time we continually ignore our needs, we quiet ourselves and silence what's true for us, we override our intuition or abandon ourselves to keep someone else happy, to keep someone else comfortable, there's a cost to that. And eventually the cost can show up as resentment, exhaustion, disconnection either with yourself or with the other person, frustration. And sometimes we don't even realize why. It can honestly result in illness, too. If you're continually abandoning yourself, when you don't listen to your body, it's gonna speak up and start to yell and scream at you. And it can result in illness, it can result in injuries. That's why it's so important to connect with yourself and honor what's true for you. Let's

Three Reflection Questions To Practice

Shannon 12:57

go ahead and move into the reflection questions. These will be posted in the show description in case you don't have time right now. You're welcome to come back at any time. If it feels comfortable and safe to do so, go ahead and take a deep breath in and release. Question number one: where am I avoiding a boundary? Because I don't want to disappoint someone. Number two, what story am I telling myself about what it means if someone is disappointed? And number three, what would I choose if I trusted that I can be both kind and honest and just notice what comes up? What's interesting, this reminded me of another conversation I was having with someone about a boundary. And I asked the person, I said, Do you actually care what this person thinks of you? Do you actually care if it pisses them off if you set a boundary? And they were like, No, actually, I don't. I said, What a great opportunity to practice setting boundaries when you actually don't really care, you're just looking at it from a space of self-judgment. If I set a boundary, I'm going to not be a nice person. That's you judging you in that situation. Because if you don't actually care what that person thinks about you, then what a beautiful invitation to practice boundary setting. Because whatever happens when you're honest with yourself, does it really matter? It may not. Okay, we're gonna go ahead and pull a card. Magic

Card Pull And A Simple Invitation

Shannon 14:36

of what if card deck, volume two today? The decks are available on my website, purepossibilitiespodcast.com. If you'd like to get your own deck, there's two volumes available. I created these a couple years ago, and I love them. All right, so what do the cards have to say today? What if I inspire others just by being me? I love that card. I think sometimes we underestimate how much people really truly appreciate when you're actually yourself, and how motivating and inspiring it can be to be someone who sets boundaries, to be someone who doesn't abandon themselves, to be someone who speaks up and expresses what they need, to be the person that allows themselves to feel what they're feeling. What if you inspire people just by being you? Just by being you. I guess that that's a question for you. Do other people who are just truly being their authentic selves, is that inspiring to you? It is for me. And it goes both ways. You have the ability to also inspire other people by being your true, beautiful, magnificent, magical self.

Trust Your Body And Close

Shannon 15:55

We're gonna go ahead and close with a reminder that someone being disappointed doesn't actually mean that you've done something wrong. And setting a boundary doesn't make you selfish, mean, or unkind. Sometimes it's just an act of honesty and self-respect and a way to not abandon yourself. It's a step toward trusting yourself enough to honor what you know is true for you. And what if you stop making someone else's disappointment mean that you've done something wrong? And pause and stop and ask yourself, am I creating a story about how I believe they're going to respond? So this week, before you respond to someone, pause and honestly check in with yourself. Like truly and honestly, what would it look like to truly honor myself here? And notice how your body responds. Trust the wisdom of how your body is communicating with you. If you say to yourself, do I actually want to go to this event? And your body's like, like you feel a tightness or constriction, that's your answer. If you ask yourself, is this an event that I would love to attend? And you get that, oh my gosh, yes, this excitement, that hell yes energy, then that's your answer. But honor what's true for you. Thank you so much for being here. I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day and an amazing week, sending you so much love.