Why Do We Do the Things We Do? (Ep #26 Relationship Series)

When life feels stressful, uncomfortable, lonely, or uncertain, we all reach for something.

Maybe it’s food. Maybe it’s alcohol. Maybe it’s scrolling social media, shopping, working, exercising, or staying so busy that there’s no time left to think or be with ourselves. 

What if the thing you’re reaching for isn’t actually the problem?

In this episode, I’m inviting you to get curious about why we do the things we do. Not from a place of guilt, shame or judgment, but from a space of awareness.

Because often, the behavior isn’t the problem. It might be trying  to solve one.

I share a few personal stories from my own life, including my relationship with casinos and alcohol, and how those experiences helped me realize that what I thought I was reaching for wasn’t actually what I needed.

We’ll look at the difference between self-soothing and self-connecting, why the pause can be so powerful, and how asking yourself one simple question can completely change the way you respond to yourself.

✨ Reflection Questions ✨

1. What do I tend to reach for when life feels uncomfortable, stressful, or uncertain?

2. What might that behavior be helping me avoid, escape, or soothe?

3. What need am I really trying to meet in those moments?

As always, my invitation isn’t to be perfect. It’s simply to pause, notice, become curious, and create a little more space between the pattern and the choice.

Because awareness creates choice and  choice creates possibility. ❤️

Transcript

Welcome And The Relationship Lens

Shannon 0:00

Welcome or welcome back. You're listening to the Pure Possibilities Podcast. I'm your host, Shannon, and this is a space to pause, notice, reconnect, and explore what's possible. One of the reasons I wanted to create this relationship series is because I truly believe everything is a relationship. Of course, we think about our relationships with our partners, with our family, with our friends, or even our coworkers. But we also have relationships with our body, our thoughts, our emotions, our time, money, boundaries, our past, our happiness, and ultimately the relationship we have with ourselves. And I also believe that that sets the tone for all of the relationships in our life.

What Do You Reach For

Shannon 0:51

Today, I wanted to explore a relationship that I don't think we often recognize as a relationship at all. It's our relationship with the things that we reach for. So before we dive in, I have a question for you. What do you reach for when life gets hard, when it feels uncomfortable? And I just want you to pause for a moment and really check in with yourself because maybe it's food. It could be alcohol, scrolling on social media. We've talked about that a little bit. Shopping, maybe it's work, could be exercise, maybe it's another relationship, maybe it's staying so busy that you don't have time to think or actually be with yourself. And honestly, we all reach for something when things feel turbulent or uncomfortable or when things feel hard. And today's conversation isn't about judging those things at all. It's not about creating shame. It's not even about trying to stop the behavior. It's about becoming curious. Because what if the behavior isn't actually the problem? What if it's trying to solve one? What if it's trying to meet a need or helping us avoid one? I've got a couple of stories to share that you might be able to relate to or possibly see yourself in.

The Casino Story And Avoidance

Shannon 2:16

There have been a couple of seasons in my life or chapters where I found myself spending quite a bit of time sitting in front of a slot machine at the casino. And what's interesting is that I genuinely enjoyed going. I love the excitement. I love the anticipation. And if I'm being completely honest, I loved the highs when I won. It's so exciting when you win, but how much money did I have to spend to get that win? And so those highs were almost always followed by guilt and honestly a lot of shame and secrecy about the amount of money I was spending. And at the time, I thought I was going just because I enjoyed it and it was fun. I had no awareness that there was something much deeper happening within me. It wasn't until years later that I realized it was never really about the casino. The casino gave me somewhere else to be. It allowed me to focus on something else and distract me because what I was really avoiding was being at home and facing what was happening in my relationship. And this actually happened in a couple of my relationships. And honestly, one of my one of my partners, we actually used to even go together and we were, in hindsight, just totally avoiding, totally avoiding what was going on in our relationship. And I wasn't consciously choosing to avoid it. I just didn't realize at the time that that was what was actually happening. And that's what I find so fascinating about so many of the things that we reach for, because it often begins as a way to soothe ourselves, a way to distract ourselves, a way to avoid feeling something that's uncomfortable. And it's not because there's something wrong with us, it's not because we're weak, but because it's actually a response from our nervous system. Because somewhere along the way, our nervous system learned this helps me get through this moment. And once I got really honest with myself after the fact, I have so much more awareness that when I find myself at the casino, I'm I'm very aware. Am I avoiding something or am I just here having a good

Alcohol And Choosing Awareness

Shannon 4:39

time? Another example that comes to mind is my relationship with alcohol. Alcoholism runs very, very deep in my family. And because of that, several years ago, I made a promise to myself that not that I would never drink, I do enjoy having a cocktail occasionally, but I promised myself that I would never intentionally use alcohol to numb my feelings or to avoid what I was experiencing. And also that I want to be able to know that I don't have to be under the influence of something in order to have a good time. And those promises that I made to myself, they weren't about fear, they were about awareness. They're about asking myself, why am I reaching for this right now? Am I celebrating? Am I connecting with friends? Am I just simply enjoying the moment? Or am I trying not to feel something? When you stop and pause and check in, that question will change everything.

When One Habit Replaces Another

Shannon 5:48

And one thing I've noticed over the years is that sometimes people will stop one habit only to find that another one appears. Maybe someone stops drinking and then suddenly they find themselves shopping all the time. Maybe they lose weight and they become obsessed with the gym or buying clothes. Maybe they stop smoking and start eating. And sometimes we remove the behavior or the habit without ever understanding what that behavior was helping us do. Because often the behavior isn't actually the problem. It's trying to solve a problem, it's trying to meet a need. So the question is, what need am I trying to satisfy by doing this particular thing? This is where I believe that the power of the pause becomes so incredibly powerful. Not because you're trying to stop yourself, not because you're telling yourself you shouldn't have the cookie or the glass of wine or buy the shoes. That's not what this is about. It's about creating just enough space to become curious before you reach for it. You pause, take a breath, and ask yourself, what am I needing right now? What feeling am I hoping this gives me? What need do I believe that this will satisfy? You might actually be hungry. Maybe you genuinely want to celebrate. Maybe you simply enjoy shopping. It was absolutely wonderful and amazing. If those are the reasons behind the choice that you're making. But maybe you're lonely, stressed, overwhelmed, avoiding a difficult conversation, feeling disconnected, seeking comfort. There isn't a right or wrong answer here. There's only awareness. And once you are in a space of awareness, you're choosing from being in a space of being in your power and making that choice consciously. When I was a health coach for a long time, one of the things I would talk to my clients about was before you reach for whatever you're seeking, if you're wanting to have the cookie, pause and check in and ask yourself, am I going to feel good about myself after I do this? Is there some need that I'm trying to fulfill? And when you make that choice from an empowered place rather than out of habit, it helps to remove the guilt and shame that we associate with it. When asking yourself, am I going to berate myself after I do this? Or am I going to make this choice, feel good and confident about this decision, and then move on? There is a, there's definitely a distinction between self-soothing versus self-connecting. There's absolutely nothing wrong with soothing ourselves. Maybe a cup of tea or a walk outside, listening to music, maybe checking in with a friend, taking a bath. Those are absolutely beautiful ways to care for ourselves. But the invitation is to notice am I intentionally caring for myself or am I trying not to feel something? Because those are two very, very different experiences. And again, we're not judging either one. It's simply a matter of curiosity.

Reflection Questions And Radical Honesty

Shannon 9:21

All right, we are going to move into our reflection questions. They will be posted in the show description if you don't have the time or space in this moment to reflect on them. If it is safe and comfortable to do so, go ahead and take a deep breath in and release. And just notice what comes up for you. Number one, what do I tend to reach for when life feels uncomfortable, stressful, or uncertain? Number two, what might that behavior be helping me avoid, escape, or soothe? And number three, what need am I really trying to meet in those moments? These are those moments where I truly invite you to be radically honest with yourself because that is the game changer. Because when we're not being honest with ourselves, I mean, you can lie to anybody, but you can't lie to yourself. I mean, you can, but it's gonna keep you in the same space. And then you're going to guilt, shame, judge, and berate yourself. And so when you are truly radically honest with yourself, that is also very freeing because in that moment where you choose honesty with yourself, you're no longer betraying yourself. And the judgment and shame and guilt come in when we're betraying ourselves and what's really true for you.

Card Pulls And Self-Compassion

Shannon 10:56

All right, we're gonna go ahead and pick a card from the Magic of What If Card deck. I think I'm actually gonna, you know what? We're gonna do both decks today. How about that? We will start with deck number one, and then we will do deck number two. The decks are available on my website, pure possibilitiespodcast.com under shop if you'd like to get your own deck. All right, deck number one. What if I allow myself to see and feel the magic and pleasure in the micro moments of each day? They're there, I promise you. When you allow yourself to see them, they can be so small, but when you are, I mean, we can all notice the crappy things that are going on in our day, in our life, what's going on around us, all those things that are out of your control. But what if you allow yourself to truly be in the present moment and see and feel the magic and the pleasure in the micromoments of each day? That's a juicy one. Okay, now we're gonna pull from deck number two. What if I show myself more love and compassion? That is beautiful. Because you know what? When we're being honest with ourselves, when we are allowing ourselves to see what we are doing to comfort and soothe ourselves when life is difficult. But do it from a place of love and compassion for yourself, not from a place of guilt, shame, or judgment. Those were beautiful cards for today. One of the things I hope you'll notice is that the awareness isn't about creating shame or judgment of yourself or even other people. It's about empowering you to consciously choose and notice the patterns and habits that you might have in your life and allow yourself the opportunity to respond differently. That pause is an interruption to everything that's going on, and it allows you to choose differently if you want to, not perfectly, but being incredibly intentional about the choices that you're

The One-Breath Invitation To Practice

Shannon 13:26

making. So this week, my invitation to you is the next time you find yourself reaching for something, before you take the bite, before you pour the drink, before you open the app, before you click add to cart, before you distract yourself with one more thing. Pause, take one breath, and simply ask yourself, what need am I looking to satisfy in this moment? Maybe you'll still choose the cookie or the glass of wine or the shopping trip. And that's okay. The goal here is not perfection. The goal is to become more connected to yourself and make your decisions from an empowered place. Because the more we understand why we're doing what we're doing, the more freedom we have to choose differently when we want to. Thank you so much for being here. I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day and an amazing week. Much love.