What Is This Really Doing for You? (Ep #37 Relationship Series)

What if the behavior you're trying so hard to change is actually doing something for you?

In this episode, we're continuing our conversation about the relationship we have with our bodies by looking beneath some of the things we do. Food, movement, rest, scrolling, drinking, working, staying busy, and even personal development can sometimes provide comfort, distraction, relief, connection, or a way to avoid something we're not quite ready to feel.

Rather than immediately labeling a behavior as good or bad, what happens when we get curious about what's underneath it? This isn't about creating another set of rules or doing everything “right.” It's about awareness, choice, and understanding what you may actually need. 

Reflection Questions:

1. Is there a behavior I keep trying to change without getting curious about what it might be doing for me?
2. What am I actually needing in the moments when I reach for that behavior?
3. What might caring for my body look like if I stopped making it about doing everything right?

Instead of asking, “Why do I keep doing this?” from a place of frustration, judgment, guilt, or shame, try asking yourself:

What is this doing for me?  And see what comes up. ❤️

Transcript

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Welcome And Series Setup

Shannon 0:33

You're listening to the Peer Possibilities podcast, and I'm your host, Shannon. Welcome or welcome back. Last week we talked about your relationship with your body, and I ended the episode by saying that there was more to that conversation that I wanted to dive into this week. Because how you feel about your body is one thing, how you care for your body is another. And when we start talking about caring for our bodies, it's really easy to immediately go to the things that we're supposed to be doing. We pull out the checklist, make sure you eat healthy, exercise, drink enough water, get enough sleep, don't eat too much sugar, don't drink too much, get all your steps in. We have an endless laundry list of all the things we're told that we should or shouldn't be doing with our bodies. But I don't think another list of things you should be doing is particularly helpful. What I think is much more interesting is getting curious about the relationship underneath those behaviors. That's actually one thing that prompted me to make a shift in my coaching because when I was coaching people specifically around weight and living a healthy lifestyle, what I found was that underneath the discussions we were having, there was always something underlying going on. And so this all started for me as a health coach. Then it transitioned into recognizing that there were things going on in our mind that it was important to take a look at, as well as then I learned that the body and the mind work together. So that's how we ended up here. It's following those little nudges. That's what brought me here. Sometimes what looks like a problem on the surface is actually doing something for us underneath. And I talked about this briefly in the first episode of the relationship series. I had said that sometimes we think it's the food, but it's really unacknowledged loneliness. And am I choosing to eat because I'm needing to soothe something within myself? Am I reaching for the chips or the cookie or the sweets or the alcohol or whatever the item might be? Is there something within

Ask What The Habit Gives You

Shannon 2:44

me that needs to be acknowledged that I am maybe pushing down and suppressing and not acknowledging what that need is within me? But what if the thing that you're trying so hard to stop doing is actually meeting a need? What if it's providing comfort? What if it's providing relief or pleasure, possibly distraction or connection? What if it's a way to numb something that you're not ready to address? It could be a way to avoid something that you're not quite ready to feel yet or that you don't want to feel, a way to feel in control when something else in your life feels completely out of control. That doesn't mean the behavior is necessarily supporting you. And it doesn't mean we use the understanding as an excuse to continue doing something that we know isn't how we want to live. It means that instead of only asking, how do I make myself stop doing this? We take it a step further and we say, What is this doing for me? Because those are two very different questions. And sometimes it's important to really take a step back and ask yourself that. What is this doing for me? Because there could be some underlying benefit or gain from doing the thing that's distracting you or not allowing you to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. And so, going back to my health coaching, one of the things that became really clear to me during that time was how rarely food is just about food because there is something going on underneath that. We eat because we're hungry, obviously. We also eat because we're bored, because we're celebrating, because we're sad, because we're stressed, because something tastes absolutely freaking delicious and we want it. Food is part of our culture and family and traditions, pleasure and connection. And certain foods can remind us of people or places or experiences. We gather around food, we celebrate with food, and sometimes we use food to soothe ourselves. I don't think the answer is necessarily that we automatically make food wrong because it's not. We need it to fuel our bodies. However, we also are

Food Is Rarely Just Food

Shannon 5:13

a choice. We can choose to celebrate and partake in whatever the celebration is, whether it's food or alcohol or treats or whatever. What's important though is this is really an invitation to become aware of what's actually happening. Because if I believe that my problem is simply that I need more willpower, I'm gonna keep trying to control the behavior. But if I recognize that every night when I finally stop moving, I feel lonely and food has become a source of comfort. Now I have different information to take a look at. The food may not actually be the deepest thing asking for my attention. And this goes far beyond food. This is also about movement. Are you moving your body because it feels good, because you enjoy becoming stronger? Or are you exercising because you ate something you've decided was quote unquote bad and now you need to make up for it? Are you moving your body from a place of care or are you punishing it? And I don't want you to judge yourself for whatever those answers are. For example, I mean, I would say that I know that I would like to move my body more. I'm obviously more limited because of my surgery right now. And I know that I feel better when I'm moving. I also know that I don't want to go to a gym. I don't like going to the gym. So I will choose to get my healthy movement in other ways. I think it's amazing when people go to the gym and they love it and they get up at the crack of dawn to go do it. I think that's fantastic. However, I'm not gonna make myself feel bad because I don't even want to do it. That's not even something I want to do. I do want to move my body, yes. In that way, no. And so there's also, you know, we can get into the whole comparison conversation, but is the movement that you're doing, is it because it's something you genuinely want to do because it makes you feel good? Or are you punishing your body? Just notice what comes up for you with that and what's the relationship underneath it. And then there's rest. Oh, rest. How easy is it for you to actually allow yourself to rest? Are you able to lie on the couch in the middle of the afternoon without creating

Movement And Rest Without Shame

Shannon 7:34

a list in your mind of everything that you should be doing instead? Can you take a day off without feeling guilty? Whether it's from work or from exercising? Can you recognize that you're exhausted before your body basically forces you to stop and shuts down? Or have you learned that being productive is valuable and resting means you're lazy? Again, what's underneath that behavior or what's the belief that is associated with that? Because caring for your body isn't just about what you eat or how often you exercise. You can go to the gym every single day. You can eat all of the healthy foods, but what is your actual relationship with your body? Just like what is your relationship with yourself? Because you can do all of those things, but if you're not tending to your body and your mind, I'm not gonna say it doesn't matter because obviously you have a physically healthy body. However, there's more to it than just our physical health. Sometimes caring for your body means doing less. Sometimes it's going to bed earlier or waking up earlier. Sometimes it's eating the damn dessert and enjoying every single moment of it. Sometimes it's choosing something that is nourishing for you because you know you'll physically feel better afterwards. One thing that I like to consider is I ask myself, how am I gonna feel after I eat this? Am I gonna feel good? Or am I going to judge the fact that I ate whatever the treat was or whatever the snack was? Or am I hungry? Or am I just thirsty? Is there something that I'm avoiding? Am I just eating mindlessly? And this isn't all just about food, but hopefully you get where I'm going with this. Is that if you're going to make the choice and then you're gonna judge and berate yourself afterwards, what if you give yourself permission to have the dessert this time and let it be okay? And then next time, maybe you don't have dessert. I do that sometimes when I go out. Maybe I'll choose to have a cocktail and then I will choose to not have dessert. Or I'll choose to not have the cocktail and have dessert. Or maybe I'll choose to not have either one of them. But it's when you're making conscious choices, it makes a huge difference on how you treat yourself afterwards. Sometimes you want to move your body, sometimes you don't want to move your body. And again, it's also always important to take a look at is there a pattern developing here? Am I just laying on my couch all the time because I'm avoiding something? Am I just sitting mindlessly scrolling on my phone or watching TV because there's something that I don't want to acknowledge or address? That's what I'm talking about here. What's going on underneath it? Exercise is good, rest is good, vegetables are good, dessert is bad, productivity is good, lying around and doing absolutely nothing is bad. But what's the context? What's your intention? What's actually happening for you? Because that's the other part of this. You can take something generally considered healthy and have a really unhealthy relationship with it. For example, if you are going to the gym because you're terrified that you're going to gain weight back that you've lost. And so the only way you now know to control that is to go to the gym and work out excessively because you're afraid. That's something to get curious about. And you can do something that isn't necessarily the most nutritious or make the most productive choice in the world and have absolutely no issue with it. This isn't about creating another set of rules, it's about awareness. And I think that applies to some of the ways that we numb or distract ourselves. Scrolling, drinking, you know, maybe I'm going out with friends. And so I feel like I need or should have a cocktail every time that I'm with them, going shopping, working, and people can be obsessive about working. And again, is it because you really love to work all the time, or is it because maybe there's something going on that you're not ready to address yet? Watching television, food, staying constantly busy. Even personal development can become a way of avoiding ourselves if we're constantly consuming information and never actually sitting with what we're experiencing. And even sometimes with that, am I healed enough to move myself forward and

When “Healthy” Turns Into Fear

Shannon 12:13

not just keep sitting in a space of is there more I need to heal? Is there more I need to do? Or do I feel like I'm in a space where yes, I want to continue expanding myself? Or am I starting to use all of these things as an excuse to not move myself forward because I feel like I need to do more? Again, I'm not saying any of these things are inherently bad. I watch TV, I scroll on my phone, I eat things because they taste good. I enjoy a drink from time to time. I distract myself. I'm a human being. I'm not judging you for any of this. The question isn't do I ever do something to comfort or distract myself? The question is, what's my relationship with it? Do I have choice around it? Am I aware of what I'm doing? And is it actually supporting me? Eating chocolate cake is not necessarily supporting me. However, if I'm able to do it without beating myself up for it, we all deserve to do that from time to time. Or is there something underneath it that is asking for my attention, screaming for my attention, constantly coming up? Is there a pattern here? Because when we discover a behavior that isn't supporting us, it's so easy to immediately turn against ourselves. Why do I keep doing this? I know better. You go down the land of shoulds. I should have figured this out by now. What's wrong with me? But what happens if instead of immediately criticizing the behavior, you get curious about why it's there? What's going on? At some point, it may have worked in the past. It may have helped you cope, it may have given you comfort, it may have helped you avoid something that you didn't have the capacity to deal with at that particular time. It may simply have become familiar through repetition. Understanding that doesn't mean you're powerless to change it. I actually think the opposite is true because once you understand what a behavior is providing, you have more information about what you actually need. If food is providing comfort, what else feels comforting? If scrolling is helping you to avoid being alone with your thoughts, what's coming up when things get quiet, when you are sitting with yourself? If staying busy makes you feel valuable, what happens inside you when you're not producing anything? If you are punishing your body through exhaustion, what do you believe would happen if you stopped? If you're using movement as punishment, what would movement look like if it came from a place of respect for your body instead? That's where the awareness gives us choice. Not because we're going to suddenly become perfectly conscious human beings who never emotionally eat, overwork, scroll too long, stay up too late,

Scrolling And Busyness As Numbing

Shannon 15:13

skip a workout, push ourselves when we're tired, or do something we probably know isn't the most supportive choice in the moment. We are still human. I always talk about how this isn't about ever having a perfect life or doing everything perfectly. We're not checking off a list, but there's a difference between unconsciously repeating something and recognizing, oh, I know what I'm doing right now. I'm avoiding this, or I really don't want to do that. And then deciding what you want to do with that information. Sometimes you might recognize exactly why you're reaching for something and still choose it anyway. That's also choice. Other times you might realize actually, that is not what I need right now. Maybe I need comfort. Maybe I need connection. Maybe I'm exhausted. Maybe I am super pissed off. Maybe I'm bored. I could need to cry. I might need to go outside. Maybe I need to move. Maybe I need to stop moving. Maybe I need to ask somebody for help. Maybe I need to sit here and allow myself to feel whatever it is that I've been trying really hard not to feel. And this is such an important extension of last week's conversation because respecting your body isn't only about looking in the mirror and speaking kindly to yourself. It's also about the relationship that you're cultivating with it through the choices that you're making every day. I found myself in an interesting space when I left my job. I used to be up walking around all the time. I was moving all the time. And then I was doing yoga and I had all of these things that I would do. And I was constantly moving my body. And then I started working from home. And I have had such awareness around my lack of movement. And there are times when I'm not very kind to myself about it. And again, it's the awareness, and I acknowledge, oh, I'm not being very nice to myself right now. And I had gained some weight and I knew that I wasn't feeling good in my body. And so I started making different choices and got myself into a healthier space. And it wasn't necessarily tied to the number on the scale. It really was about how do I feel? How do I feel in my body? And now I also understand that when I was trying to get myself back into yoga, I understand that because of the issues I was having with my foot, that was becoming problematic for me to do that. And so I wasn't doing that either. And so my movement really slipped. And I'm in a space now where I'm healing from my surgery and I'm being more intentional about moving my body because honestly, I do feel better. I feel better when I'm doing yoga. And it's not just the strength that I get from it, it's the mind, soul, body connection. I feel better when I'm eating healthier food. I feel better. You know, so part of it's just getting to know yourself. I grew up being the pickiest eater ever. And now I continue to try new things because your taste buds are always changing. And I mean, there's been I've had whole conversations about that I never considered myself to be a healthy person and I didn't, I didn't like what it meant, and it would mean that I'd have to eat all of these things that I considered gross. And now I was able to shift my relationship with what healthy foods are, and also recognizing that I do need to fuel my body. I don't always have to love everything that I'm eating, but my body needs fuel to be healthy and to move. The health journey's been really interesting. All right. I'm going off on a tangent.

Awareness Creates Real Choice

Shannon 19:14

So we are going to draw a card from the magic of what if card deck. We're gonna do volume two today and see what wants to come through for us. What if I love leaning into the discomfort of my growth and expansion? I love this. Things are not always comfortable. But one thing I will stand on a hill and plant a steak in the ground is that growth and expansion absolutely feels uncomfortable. For me, it does. And it's also so incredibly rewarding moving forward, stretching myself, seeing what I'm actually capable of, not the things that I think that I'm capable of, but remembering who I am deep in my core before all the shoulds, the can'ts, the limitations that were put on me by other people or by myself. And when I stretch myself and I move out of that comfort zone and get a little bit uncomfortable, the growth on the other side of that is so incredibly rewarding. So what if I love leaning into the discomfort of my growth and expansion? Okay, let's move into this week's reflection questions. As always, they will be posted in the show description and available for you to come back to if this is not the right time for you. Okay, number one, is there a behavior I keep trying to change without getting curious about what it might be doing for me? Food, movement, scrolling, drinking, working, staying busy, whatever happens to come up for you. And again, we're not trying to justify it or judge it, just notice it. Number two, what am I actually needing in the moments when I reach for that behavior? Is it comfort, relief, pleasure, rest, connection, safety, distraction, space, something else entirely? And finally, what might caring for my body look like if I stopped making it about doing everything right? What does your body actually need from you? And how might it be different from what you've been taught you're supposed to need? I hope you take these questions and allow yourself to not necessarily truly dissect them, but be honest with yourself about them. And that honesty helps us to make different choices and creates the awareness around the decisions and the choices that we're making for ourselves on a daily basis. As we've moved through

Growth Card And Reflection Questions

Shannon 21:54

this relationship series, we keep coming back to the same thing: awareness, noticing, getting curious, being radically honest with ourselves about what's actually happening rather than only trying to change what's visible on the surface. Because when you look at these behaviors, oh, this comes up, I need to work on this, oh, that comes up, I need to work on that. And you start making this huge long list of all these things rather than focusing in on what's most prevalent for me right now. And I could almost guarantee that a majority of these things that you might be reaching for ultimately come back to the relationship with yourself. And what can you do to nurture that relationship with yourself? It doesn't mean that you reach for whatever it is you're reaching for and then immediately, you know, I guess here's another question as I'm talking. This is coming up for me. If I'm reaching for something that I know isn't best for me in this moment, if I know it's not the healthiest choice in this particular moment, and I still choose to do it anyway, and then I come back. Am I just giving myself something else to be mean to myself about? Am I actually protecting something else that's going on within me? People talk about self-sabotage, but it's protection. You're protecting yourself from something. So am I making that choice just so I can be mean to myself because that's what's familiar? Because I don't know any other way. I'm not sure how to show myself love and care. And that's why we asked the question what would showing yourself love and care be? I mean, that's a situation where you could look at somebody else, like, what are they doing to show themselves love and care? And could I get an idea from them? Not that you need to do exactly what they're doing. Like I said, some people show themselves love and care by going and working out at the gym three or five days a week. For me, that would be punishing myself because I don't want to do it, because it doesn't feel good for me. It's not something I'm even interested in doing. I don't have to be a horrible, rotten person because I don't want to go to the gym. And I don't have to even tell myself that I'm a horrible, rotten person because I don't go to the gym, because it's not something that I actually want to do. And so if I don't actually want to do it, I don't do it, which is also important. Don't shame and blame and guilt yourself for things that if you don't actually like doing it, then don't do it. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you because you don't enjoy the gym. I'm just using that as a as an example because I really I so do admire people that like to do that, but I just don't, and that's okay. Just noticing that sometimes what we think is the problem isn't actually the problem. Sometimes it's information, sometimes it's been helping us in a way that we haven't recognized. And when we can see that, we have an opportunity to decide whether that's still how we want to care for ourselves today. So this week, instead of why do I keep doing this from a place of frustration, judgment, guilt, and shame, ask yourself, what is this doing for me and see what comes up. Thank you so much for being here. If someone came to mind while you were listening to the show today, please share this episode with them. I truly appreciate every single time you share the podcast and expand my reach into helping and supporting people throughout the world.

Share The Episode And Closing

Shannon 25:33

I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day and an amazing week. Much love.